Ever wondered why your wife is acting so cold to you especially during bedtime?
You are grabbing for her and then she withdraws? You are wondering in your mind what the hell is going on? Have I not been a good husband? I go to work from morning to night to provide money to put food on the table, send the children to school, afford the rent…
You are getting angry now.
This has been going on for some time. You are sex-starved. She is not flinching one bit. Truth to be told, you are getting tired of this whole marriage thing. Nobody told you marriage will be this difficult. In fact, both of you are just a little way to calling the marriage quits.
What is wrong with us? You ask. And you are not getting any closer to the answer.
Wait a little bit.
You have to understand that men and women are different.
The differences between men and women can be the cause of the greatest conflict in marriage.
It is important that you learn these differences. Understanding these differences will lead you that #1 Secret for long-lasting hot, sizzling, satisfying sex in marriage.
In Clifford and Joyce Penner’s book, The Married Guy’s Guide To Great Sex, the sexual differences between men and women which I am going to paraphrase here:
- The Effect of Frequency. The longer the time between sexual encounters, the more a man wants sex and more quickly he moves towards arousal and release. The opposite is true for a woman. The longer it’s been since she’s had sex, the less she desires it and the more time and connection she needs to experience pleasure and response.
- Body involvement. For women, sex involves the whole person and it is not just focused on the sexual organ. So, women need to experience connection and love to feel sexual while men feel sexual when stimulated and aroused.
- Orgasms. Women can experience multiple orgasms without intervening period of rest. However, any point in time, the orgasm can be interrupted by internal or external distractions such as fear, worry, insecurity, etc. For men, they require a rest period after ejaculation before they can be re-stimulated to another erection. A man’s ejaculation cannot be stopped once it has begun.
- Dysfunctions. In our culture, men tend to be more active during sex than women. The pressure therefore on the men is usually with getting and maintaining erections or ejaculating too soon. For women the pressure is to experience orgasm, leading to some women ‘faking’ it.
- Readiness. Men tend to get stimulated quickly. Women need time and connection to become aroused. Women tend to be more concerned with the quality of lovemaking rather than the quantity.
Men tend to experience love through sex; women tend to want sex as a result of feeling loved and connected.
In other words, the man’s experience of love is usually towards physical intimacy while for the woman, it is emotional.
When a man pursues a woman’s body, she will feel used. In order for her to feel sexually connected to you, she needs to know that you honor her: that you value her, adore her, cherish her, delight in her…
Gary Smalley in the book, Go the Distance: The Making of a Promise Keeper expresses it this way:
“A wife is validated by her husband’s sexual interest if it’s expressed through connection and affirmation rather than pursuit or expression of need.
Honor is at the heart of all loving relationships—with God, our spouse and kids, our boss and co-workers. To honor someone is to attach high value to that person. It’s a decision we make regardless of our feelings. When we decide to honor someone, we’re saying that person is extremely valuable and important to us.”Go the Distance: The Making of a Promise Keeper (by John Trent, et al)
The #1 secret is to honor your wife.
How might you show honor to your wife?
How do you show that you highly value your wife?
Here a few suggestions:
- Look for the positive things about her and compliment her for it. Stop the incessant fault-finding. When you compliment the good things about her no matter how little, they will grow.
- Help her with the chores. I know, I know. You are probably screaming now, “I’m a man!” Our culture has imbued us with this stereotype about men that is working against our marriages. You say a man that washes the dishes, change diaper for the baby or go shopping is no longer a man. Well, I say that is plain wrong! Doing household chores does not in any way diminish your importance as a man; rather I say it affirms it.
- Listen to her. I know this is kinda hard. Women talk a lot more than men. Most men (me inclusive) tend to talk little. But the way to show that you love your wife is to listen to her, and really listen. Listen without interrupting. Listen without rushing to proffer solutions to what you think is the problem. She just wants to air it out. So listen and seek to understand what she is saying. She will love you for it.
Like anything in life, you don’t get something for nothing. Marriage takes work.
You need to be ready to put in the work to make your marriage work.
Don’t opt for the cheap option of divorce at the slightest irritation! Your sexual life can be hot and sizzling but it takes work.
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